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Thread: Chez Ranger - MRE Delight

  1. #1
    Gunco Member Boatdoc's Avatar
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    Talking Chez Ranger - MRE Delight

    For those of us who have suffered through C Rations and MREs - this will have a great deal of meaning. Yes it is true that some of the meals were marked "Not for preflight or in flight use"

    Chez Ranger
    by Frank Rodgers

    I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
    the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
    dinner.

    After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
    settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my
    trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten
    in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

    I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
    of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets
    of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I
    cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved
    garlic and olive oil.

    In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

    When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
    of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda
    like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my
    spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy
    right?)

    For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
    packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
    heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
    organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger
    Pudding.

    For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
    (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
    $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each -
    Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie
    kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've
    been leftover sand from Egypt).

    I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
    table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that crap is f...ing EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

    She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
    spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
    food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

    We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
    asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
    obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
    balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess
    she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

    At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
    with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate
    what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
    yup.

    Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
    restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
    and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

    Let the games begin.

    She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
    Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to
    the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

    After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
    bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is
    WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
    porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
    paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

    Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
    instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
    kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
    ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't
    come out for 30 minutes.

    I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
    hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

    She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am
    SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
    embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave
    her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

    Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
    had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her
    all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

    After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army
    food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate
    9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I
    concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

    She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap 3 days, and when she
    finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down
    the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

    It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

    I know, I'm an ass, but it was still a funny night.

    Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
    Caveats: NONE

  2. #2
    Code name: Felix aviator's Avatar
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    At least she has a good sense of humor.

  3. #3
    RLB
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    I haven't laughed this hard in ages, that was great.

  4. #4
    Gunsmith-In-Training cheezytwang's Avatar
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    i thin i have a new idea for the next romantic dinner for PPW!
    "my name is mike brandyberry and i hope to be your gunsmith!"

  5. #5
    Gunco Rookie BigSal's Avatar
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    heh

  6. #6
    Gunco Member celticfire's Avatar
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    Default Great read...lol

    One of the most amusing stories I've read in a long time. Glad she has a good sense of humor.

  7. #7
    Gunco Member fsb40_85's Avatar
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    very good - what do you serve for thanksgiving or xmas ?

  8. #8
    Gunco Veteran AK Builder FloridaAKM's Avatar
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    For those of us who have had to eat c rats or mre's, that is so funny....still wiping the tears of laughter out of my eyes as I type!

    "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" - Sarah Palin
    New Member of the Busted Box Club

  9. #9
    Gunco Veteran eldogg's Avatar
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    that is funny! i hope that the guy who put those little squares of ass wipes goes to hell and has to eat C's for eternity.
    "It does not take a majority to prevail ... but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men." --Samuel Adams

  10. #10
    Another Day In Paradise DiabloII's Avatar
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    that was awesome, damn that was good

    you have to keep us updated if you are allowed to cook again lol
    buying up all the guns and ammo i can just to PISS OFF the douche bag liberals

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