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Thread: Work Poop

  1. #1
    Gunco Regular Snook's Avatar
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    Default Work Poop

    HOW TO POOP AT WORK



    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
    back
    in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
    as
    we
    try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.



    For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
    for
    taking a dump at work.






    CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
    the
    smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
    know
    where it
    came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
    has
    been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
    your
    pants.

    FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
    and
    check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
    come back
    again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



    ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
    of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
    Pretend it
    did not
    happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
    you
    did not
    hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
    Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



    JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
    gun
    pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    should
    happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
    bathroom
    to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



    COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
    hits
    the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
    the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



    WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
    after
    you
    have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
    moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
    that
    the
    smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
    FLUSH.



    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn
    proud
    of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
    bathroom
    with
    a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
    office
    for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) a group of co-workers who band
    together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
    group
    can
    help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
    identify
    SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
    you
    can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
    opposite
    sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
    bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
    and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable
    moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
    remain
    in
    the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
    uncomfortable eye contact.



    CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
    bathroom
    that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
    to
    alert
    potential Turf Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
    an
    ASTAIRE.



    ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
    Burglars
    that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
    stall
    is
    occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooper
    can poop in peace.



    WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
    toilet
    water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    coming on,
    create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH< div>

  2. #2
    Gunco Girleen pistol-packin-wifey's Avatar
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    ask cheezy about his ex coworker he nicknamed mudflap ............FRIGHTENINGLY DISGUSTING!
    "The friendliness and charity of our countrymen can always be relied upon to relieve their fellow citizens in misfortune.... Federal aid in such cases encourages the expectation of paternal care on the part of the Government and weakens the sturdiness of our national character...." -- President Grover Cleveland
    _________________________________________
    Teach a man to fish, but if he'd rather turn around and steal your catch, shoot him.

  3. #3
    Gunco Member nadZ's Avatar
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    that post is art

  4. #4
    Loaner magnus392's Avatar
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    ohhhhhh man that is nasty!
    "It's all over but the cryin'!"Moonshiner


  5. #5
    Gunco Veteran Lt762x39's Avatar
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    snook,

    That is like nasty: albeit truth but stillllllllllll....................
    Mike

  6. #6
    Master Endmill Breaker Rhino_66's Avatar
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    ASS GASKET - Those paper seat protector sheets that are conveniently provided in most business bathrooms.


    .
    The most damning evidence is the truth.

    That which does not kill you, really really really hurts...



    Gunco Member #21

  7. #7
    Proud Confederate partssman's Avatar
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    Talking

    You left out the G & L........when attempting to make these moves to relieve gas pressure...make sure it is gas or you end up "loosing your grip"so to speak and this results in a G & L ....gambled and lost........................
    When Injustice Becomes Law....Rebellion Becomes Duty


    The only thing wrong with Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address was that it was the South, not the North, that was fighting for a government of the people, by the people and for the people."

    -- H. L. Mencken

    One
    Big
    Ass
    Mistake
    America

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