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Thread: Harry Homeowner Mechanic's Creed

  1. #1
    Gunco Member NexusX's Avatar
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    Talking Harry Homeowner Mechanic's Creed

    Thought you guys might appreciate this one!



    Shop Tools Described and Appreciated:


    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
    snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
    smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
    room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
    part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
    somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
    removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
    in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
    in their holes until you die of old age.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
    Board
    Principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
    unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
    its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Also mainly used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
    heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
    various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
    for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
    bearing race out of.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
    ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
    trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
    automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.


    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
    tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
    than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
    strength of each of the bolts, tubes, cables, etc., you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
    the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
    Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
    vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
    found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
    purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
    rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
    the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
    dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
    old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
    out Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
    coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
    into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
    Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-
    tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds
    off their heads.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
    clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50? part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
    nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
    most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
    contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
    works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
    records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
    refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
    the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
    It is also the next tool that you will need.

    EXPLETIVE: A balm, applied verbally in hindsight,
    which somehow eases the pain and indignity following
    each deficiency in foresight.

  2. #2
    Man on Fire bulletboy's Avatar
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    Ya must have missed it this time ==> Ultimate AK Build Tool List

    but always good for a laugh anyway!

  3. #3
    Gunco Member NexusX's Avatar
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    Just got it in an email. I knew I had seen it somewhere, thought I had gotten it work.

  4. #4
    Man on Fire bulletboy's Avatar
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    I love it, reading the descriptions reminded me of growing up working on stuff out in the garage with my dad..

  5. #5
    Proud Confederate partssman's Avatar
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    Talking

    Thanks Dan.....I missed the other one...

    Old shop saying....what's the difference between a "A" class and "B" class mechanic?

    B class has an adjustable wrench......A class has an adjustable and a pair of vice grips
    When Injustice Becomes Law....Rebellion Becomes Duty


    The only thing wrong with Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address was that it was the South, not the North, that was fighting for a government of the people, by the people and for the people."

    -- H. L. Mencken

    One
    Big
    Ass
    Mistake
    America

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