When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it
out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...
I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and
& remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. I looked up Robin's correct number and called
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging
up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for
the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had
his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,
too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?""Asshole
I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass,"he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better.
This anger management shit really works!