For those of you who are single, here are the real meanings behind the code words and phrases found in most personal ads.

The Women:

40ish = 48

Adventurer = Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic = Flat-chested

Average looking = Ugly

Beautiful = Pathological liar

Contagious Smile = Bring your penicillin

Educated = College dropout

Emotionally Secure = Medicated

Feminist = Fat and/or emasculating

Free spirit = Substance user

Friendship first = Trying to overcome reputation as slut

Fun = Annoying

Gentle = Comatose

Good Listener = Borderline Autistic

New-Age = All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded = Desperate

Outgoing = Loud

Passionate = Loud

Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional = Bitch

Redhead = Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque = Fat

Romantic = Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous = Fat

Weight proportional to height = See Rubenesque and Voluptuous

Wants Soulmate = One step away from stalking

Widow = Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart = Toothless crone

The Men:

40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic = Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated = Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit = Willing to sleep with your best friend

Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking = Arrogant bastard

Honest = Pathological Liar

Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle = Insecure, overly dependent

Mature = Until you get to know him

Open-minded = Wants to sleep with all your friends

Physically fit = Spends a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring himself

Poet = Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual = Once went to church with Grandma on Easter Sunday

Stable = Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer