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Thread: 20 jokes

  1. #1
    Gunco Member RogerWilco's Avatar
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    20 jokes = 20 posts = I can pm the guy I am trying to trade with

    Old golfers never die, they just loose their drive.

    A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could
    only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In
    desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman
    who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their
    team.
    During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very
    first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
    The team members stood there, dumfounded! Unfortunately, so did
    the Englishman. 'Run!' his teammates cried. 'For Pete's sake, run!'
    The Brit turned and stared at them icily. 'I jolly well shan't
    run,' he replied. 'I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another
    ball.'

    A woman went shopping with sponge fingers in one ear and jelly and custard in the other.

    'Why have you got jelly and custard sponge in your ears?' asked the sales girl.

    'You'll have to speak up,' said the woman. 'I'm a trifle deaf.'

    ARG : Agree to Run Garbage

    BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory

    CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals

    DDS : Damage Disk and Stop

    EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation

    ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven

    FSE : Fake Serious Error

    GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions

    GQS : Go Quarter Speed

    HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction

    IDD : Inhale Dust and Die

    IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input

    IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User

    JPF : Jam Paper Feed

    JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake

    KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer

    LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles

    MAW : Make Aggravating Whine

    NNI : Neglect Next Instruction

    OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended

    PNG : Pass Noxious Gas

    QWF : Quit Working Forever

    QVC : Question Valid Command

    RWD : Read Wrong Device

    SCE : Simulate Correct Execution

    SDJ : Send Data to Japan

    TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash

    UBC : Use Bad Chip

    VDP : Violate Design Parameters

    VMB : Verify and Make Bad

    WAF : Warn After Fact

    XID : eXchange Instruction with data

    YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse

    ZAM : Zero All Memory

    2 men A & B both looking for their lost wives :

    A said : what your wife loks like ?

    B said : she's 5`7``,36-24 -36, fair, blonde , blue eyed. and yours ???????

    A said : forget mine !!!! lets look for yours.

    Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets
    Ford, and tells him, 'Well, you've been such a good guy, and your
    invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world.
    '
    As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.' Ford
    thinks
    about it, and says, - 'I want to hang out with God Himself.'
    So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and
    introduces
    him to God. Ford then asks God, - 'When you invented Woman, what were
    You thinking?'
    God asks, 'What do you mean?'
    Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your
    invention:
    1. There's too much front end protrusion.
    2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
    3. Maintenance is extremely high.
    4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
    5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
    6. The rear end wobbles too much.
    7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
    8. The headlights are usually too small.
    9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
    Just to name a few.'
    Hmmm...,' replies God, 'Hold on a minute.' God goes over to the
    Celestial
    Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In
    no
    time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
    God then turns to Ford, and says, 'It may be that my invention is
    flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my
    invention than yours.

    A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was
    the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, 'Have
    you ever been a salesman before?' Yes, I was a salesman in the country' said the lad.
    The boss liked the cut of him and said, 'You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see
    you when we close up.' The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5
    o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, 'How many sales did you
    make today?' 'One,' said the young salesman.
    'Only one?' blurted the boss, 'most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much
    was the sale worth?' 'Three hundred thousand dollars,' said the young man.
    'How did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss.
    'Well,' said the salesman 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a
    medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a
    medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
    down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
    department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said
    his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
    and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.' The boss took two steps back and asked in
    astonishment, 'You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?' 'No,' answered
    the salesman 'He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your
    weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.''

    Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart?
    Because he heard kids pants were half-off!

    Teacher:Arun tell your father's name in English.
    Arun:Madam, my father's name is Mr. Butter Red Government.
    Teacher: Stupid are you making fun with me?
    Arun: No, Madam You told me to tell my father's name in English and my father's name in Hindi is Makkhan Lal Sarkar.

    While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
    He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. 'I do so by asking them the right questions,' says the Queen. 'Allow me to demonstrate.'
    She phones Tony Blair and says, 'Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:
    Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'
    Tony Blair responds, 'It's me, ma'am.'
    'Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,' says the Queen. She hangs up and says, 'Did you get that, Mr. Bush?'
    'Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!'
    Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, 'Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.'
    'Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?' 'Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?'
    Helms hems and haws and finally asks, 'Can I think about it and get back to you?' Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
    Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
    'Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?' Powell answers immediately, 'It's me, of course, you dumb cracker.'
    Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, 'I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!'
    And Bush replies in disgust, 'Wrong, it's Tony Blair.'

    Husband: 'And you tell me that several men proposed marriage to you!'
    Wife: 'Yes, several.'
    Husband: 'Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed.'
    Wife: 'I did.'

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year?

    Wife: I want to go somewhere I've never been before.

    Husband: Well, how about the kitchen?

    ROCKET and PLANE are talking
    PLANE : abe ROCKET tu itni tezi se kaise ud jata hai ?
    ROCKET : SAALE TERE PEECHE AAG LAGEGI THO PATA CHALEGA !

    I was outstanding throughout my career, I was always asked to stand outside the class.

    One day, three onsultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went together for a walk. They were old buddies from b- school, and they were joining together to remember the tough old days they went as students together. For no apparent reasons, they went into this zoo and passed an elephant. Having worked in the same field and from the same school, of course there was a little bit of peer competition going on between themselves, so when he saw this elephant, an idea clicked the Infosys guy, he said to the others ' Why don't we prove who are the best among ourselves?'. The other two, of course, agreed. Then the Infosysian said 'Let's make a test. Whoever can make this elephant laugh, he works for the best firm'. After they all agreed, they started. Being a pure logical strategist, the Infosysian tried to make the elephant laugh by telling jokes. Of course it stayed still... As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures... and the elephant still stayed still.... Now, comes the TCS guy.. Being the practical guy he was always told to be, he whispered something to the elephant, and it laughed at him while pointing its fingers to him... The other two were astonished. How come this TCS guy was able to beat them? So the Wipro guy said 'OK, let's make another test. Let's make this elephant cry !!'. So there they went again, practicing the same method as before. The Infosys guy told sad sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures, and they fail again...... Then, the TCS guy whispered something again to the elephant's ear and it just cried, weeping.....and patting the TCS guy's shoulder. This cannot be, thought the other two. So the Infosyan said 'OK, you've won twice. If you can win this test, we will bow to you. Let's make this elephant run'. He went and bark to the elephant orders to run.Of course, it stayed still .... The Wipro guy pushes the elephant and stab it with stake to make it run, it stayed still. So...our TCS guy come to it and whispered something again to it's ear and the elephant ran and rabn as fast as it could, as if it was scared to death. The other two surrendered. They say 'OK, you're the best pal. You work for a very good firm, tell us your secret'. 'Well' said the TCS guy, 'the first time I made it laugh, I said I work for TCS'. ' When I made it cry as if it were very sad and patted me, I told the elephant how much I get paid'. ' And when I made it run scared to death, I said to it, Why don't you join TCS?'

    A panda walks into a delicatessan. He
    orders a sandwhich and begins to eat

    quietly. When the waiter gave him his

    check, the panda suddenly stood up and

    pulled out a gun, shot out all the

    windows, then began to leave the deli, the

    manager said "Hey! You have to pay for

    all the damage you did AND the

    sandwhich!" Then the panda said "Hey!

    I'm a panda! Look it up!" So when the

    manager got home, he did. The dictionary

    said "Panda: a bear-like creature with

    black and white markings on its face.

    Lives in China. Eats shoots and leaves."
    Last edited by 7.62x39; 03-25-2008 at 12:24 PM.

  2. #2
    Gunco Member RogerWilco's Avatar
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    or 20 jokes = 1 post

  3. #3
    NRA Life Member 45Colt's Avatar
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    There are a couple of great ones in there!

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