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Thread: ATC vs Pilots

  1. #1
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    Default ATC vs Pilots

    British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from
    > terminal.
    > Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's
    > most experienced airline going today without filing a flight
    > plan?'
    > -----------------------
    > ATC: ' Al italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via
    > Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
    > Alitalia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango.
    > Workers checked - all are working'
    > -----------------------
    > Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of
    > 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
    > Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the
    > last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin
    > for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
    > -----------------------
    > Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150
    > circling overhead, identify yourself.'
    > -----------------------
    > NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three
    > one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
    > FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh,
    > FedEx two thirty-five.'
    > NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh,
    > dat'll be finah...'
    > Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five
    > twenty.'
    > NY Ctr: ' Al -italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to
    > two-a-fifty, please.'
    > Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Al italia?!'
    > NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'
    >
    > --------------------------
    > Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
    > Pilot: Yes.
    > Tower: Yes what??
    > Pilot: Yes, SIR
    > ---------------------------
    > Frankfurt Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile
    > final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on
    > final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
    > Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt . We're bringing this
    > big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
    > Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter
    > traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce
    > speed further to 110 knots.'
    > Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back
    > further to 110 knots'
    > Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown,
    > helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to
    > 90 knots'
    > Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the
    > stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
    > Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can
    > probably tell you.'
    > --------------------------
    > ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
    > Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and
    > Instrument Rating.'
    > ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
    > --------------------------
    > Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
    > Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
    > Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!
    > ---------------------
    > O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L
    > approach, maintain 250 knots.
    > USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain
    > that speed?
    > O'Hare Approach: Al l the way to the gate if you can.
    > USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
    > ----------------------
    > ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
    >
    > Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
    > ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH,
    > altimeter1019
    > ------------------------
    > Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven
    > Hundred'
    > Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
    > --------------------------
    > Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front
    > of the 747.
    > ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
    > -------------------------
    > Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake
    > and heading toward the big "E".
    > Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can
    > identify you on radar.'
    > (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake
    > is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big
    > "W" immediately .'
    > --------------------
    > Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000'
    > and 40 DME.'
    > Appro ach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain
    > 8000'.'
    > Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent
    > rate.'
    > Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you
    > have speed brakes?'
    > Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not
    > yours.'
    > -----------------------------
    > Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were
    > slightly to the left of the centerline on that
    > approach.'
    > American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer
    > was slightly to the right'
    > -----------------------
    > Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
    > (pause)
    > Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center
    > 135.60!' (pause)
    > Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you
    > never listen!'
    > Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her
    > by the right name you'd get a better response!'
    > -----------------------
    > BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
    > Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested
    > altitude.'
    > BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500,
    > I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet
    > going the wrong way!'
    > Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300
    > approved.'
    > ------------------------------------
    > Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are
    > you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
    > Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
    > Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two
    > other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
    >
    > ---------------------------
    > Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your
    > heading.'
    > Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
    > ---------------------------------
    > Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I
    > am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
    > ---- -------------------
    > Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
    > Pilot: 'More or less.'
    > Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
    > ----------------------------
    > Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request
    > start up and push back, please.' Tower: 'KLM 242
    > expect start up in two hours.'
    > Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
    > Tower: 'Affirmative.'
    > Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
    >
    >

  2. #2
    Question Everything... CeeKay's Avatar
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    - CK
    Ask questions first; Distance? Windage? Elevation?
    ------------
    ""...when you capture spoils from the enemy, they must be used as rewards, so that all your men may have a keen desire to fight, each on his own account""

    - Sun Tzu
    ------------
    "A petty thief is put in jail. A great brigand becomes a ruler of a State."
    - Zhuang Zi

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