Colonoscopy
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Thread: Colonoscopy

  1. #1
    Gunco FNG Electroglide56's Avatar
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    Default Colonoscopy

    I laughed till I cried....

    ABOUT THE WRITER
    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
    the Miami Herald.










    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make
    an appointment for a colonoscopy.



    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
    diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all
    over the place, at one point passing briefly
    through Minneapolis.





    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
    thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
    said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
    TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
    prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in
    a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will
    discuss
    MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
    must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
    enemies.



    I spent the next several days productively sitting around
    being nervous.



    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began
    my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
    didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken
    broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
    packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug,
    then
    you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with
    the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you
    have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
    because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
    mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
    of lemon.



    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
    with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
    'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'



    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
    roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
    graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle
    launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
    you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
    commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
    much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
    eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must
    be
    totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
    at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
    into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
    even eaten yet.



    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
    nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but
    I
    had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
    spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
    How
    do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
    Flowers would not be enough.



    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
    understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
    forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
    colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
    space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
    hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that
    , when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
    when you are actually naked..



    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
    left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
    very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told
    me
    that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
    first I
    was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
    pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
    make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
    full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
    your house.



    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
    procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
    anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but
    I
    knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
    seriously nervous at this point.



    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
    anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in
    my hand.



    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the
    song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
    that,
    of all the songs that could be playing during this
    particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
    appropriate.



    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere
    behind me.



    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
    been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
    squeamish,
    prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
    explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
    moment,
    ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
    tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other
    room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
    felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told
    me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
    flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
    organ.



    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
    exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the
    following are actual comments made by his patients
    (predominately male) while he was performing their
    colonoscopies:



    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has
    gone before!'



    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married..'



    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
    out...'



    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



    And the best one of all:
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head
    is not up there?'


    Let the music begin...stay healthy.







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    Last edited by Electroglide56; 10-17-2009 at 04:47 AM.
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  2. #2
    Another Day In Paradise DiabloII's Avatar
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    that was a good one and thats the same way i would feel about it as well

    scared to death
    buying up all the guns and ammo i can just to PISS OFF the douche bag liberals

  3. #3
    Gunco Veteran nkluksda's Avatar
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    I did that twice - first for a scope of my colon to diagnose just how bad my diverticulosis was, and the second time to prepare for surgery.

    Dave Berry isn't that far off. After the first hour, one's rectum is extremely sore; one alternates between a very warm tub (just an inch or two - enough to give some warm wet heat to the affected area) and sitting on the pot. Explosive diarrhea is an understatement. Butt-squirts doesn't quite describe it. Suffice to say, it's not fun. It goes on for quite a while - and the worst part it, my guts cramped up trying to squeeze out stuff that wasn't there.
    Q - What is Bambi?

    A - Viable Target

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    Gunco Maniac sjohnson's Avatar
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    Hah! HE HAD A COLONOSCOPY while sedated! I DIDN'T!

    NEVER, NEVER have a colonoscopy while NOT sedated. Completely out of it is even better. What a pain in my you-know-what!

    The doc kept saying, "I can't turn the corner" While shoving the probe with increasing force.

    TURN THIS! Doc!
    I have a daughter. I tell her, "911 is what you dial after you're raped. 1911 is what you should have before they try."

  6. #5
    Gunco Member mnhunter59's Avatar
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    Been there, done that. Thank god they knocked me out. My lasts words were "shouldn't I be getting a dinner and a movie first?". I heard laughter, then oblivion and then the recovering room. Clean bill of health.

    _________________________________________

    If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong??

  7. #6
    GuncoHolic Tommo's Avatar
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    Had my last one without sedation, very painful to say the least! Just do not understand why homos like it.

  8. #7
    Guerrilla in the New USSA Mike U.'s Avatar
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    Talking

    Just recently had my first one. Hopefully, it will be my last one...ever.
    That journal hit the nail square on the head. It was exactly like my experience. The worst part was running across the house while praying I'd make it to the bathroom before the worst case scenario manifests. Think I would have had to cleanse the house with fire if I didn't make it in time. Who knew the human body could retain so much shit?

    Three good things came from the experience though.
    1.) I got a clean bill of health.
    2.) I lost seven pounds.:
    3.) At least there was drugs.

  9. #8
    3/297th Inf Retired AARNG Akfite's Avatar
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    (G) When I had one they laughed cause I showed up with under wear on
    And the stuff I drank was called "GO LITELEY" Sick B@#!@tards
    And yeah getting knocked out was a blessing just waking up without
    under wear is not Funny
    Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have. The course of history shows that as a government grows, LIBERTY DECREASES."

    Thomas Jefferson

  10. #9
    Gunco Rookie bigbaldbob's Avatar
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    thats funny

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