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Thread: Geez Louise ......

  1. #1
    Resident Curmudgeon Karl/PA's Avatar
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    Default Geez Louise ......

    *This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
    Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won
    first prize.*****


    As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
    fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
    them.

    What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
    every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his
    poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
    went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
    Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

    If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse
    yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
    'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
    inflatable doll section.

    I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
    as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
    hour.

    Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
    models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
    things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
    Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

    To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
    life.

    My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
    hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
    with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
    what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
    for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
    and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
    confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
    more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the
    family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
    dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the
    hell is that?' she asked.

    My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

    'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

    I kept my mouth shut.

    'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

    'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the
    dining room.

    But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

    Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
    wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang
    on!'

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
    and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was
    Jay's friend.

    A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
    just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
    might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
    was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
    my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel,
    flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The
    cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
    across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
    resuscitation.

    My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

    Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
    garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
    collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
    back of her right thigh.

    Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
    perfect health..

    I can't wait until next Christmas.****
    Karl

    I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Ayn Rand

  2. #2
    GuncoHolic twa2471's Avatar
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    That's tooooooo funny Karl, sounds like something one of my smart ass boys would do to me!!! I won't let them see this or it could happen to me, knowing them!! Don't know what makes them act so, people tell me that the nut don't fall far from the tree, don't know, could be, but I won't admitt to it!!

  3. #3
    I am my favorite American gunnerxxx's Avatar
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    wish christmas at my house was this exciting!!

  4. #4
    Citizen, Patriot, Ranger bellson's Avatar
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    God Dammit Karl!!!!

    I just spurted a very nice Cabernet out my NOSE!!!

    You are one Sick Puppy!
    Imagine whirled peas

    Peace, Love, And Superior Firepower






    Bellson

  5. #5
    GuncoHolic Tommo's Avatar
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    Karl strikes again, thanks!

  6. #6
    GuncoHolic twa2471's Avatar
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    ON GUARD!!

  7. #7
    Gunco Member PIG_SLAYER's Avatar
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    Very Funny!!!

  8. #8
    Gunco Member Leadchunker's Avatar
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    I gotta do this to my son.

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