This real arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a fucking tap underneath, taste it."
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few Pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.