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Thread: Aunt Otha's Redneck Book of Manners

  1. #1
    Resident Curmudgeon Karl/PA's Avatar
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    Default Aunt Otha's Redneck Book of Manners

    From Aunt Otha's Redneck Book of Manners

    BASIC RULES:
    1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if your certain that you are included in the will, it is
    still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

    DINING OUT:
    1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
    covering the label.
    2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
    may not have dogs.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
    manners are.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE:
    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
    done in private using one's OWN truck keys
    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
    However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
    to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY):
    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be aggressive. Let her know your interested: I've been
    wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall
    two years ago.
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
    say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday" If the latter is the answer,
    it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
    4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
    as, Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.

    WEDDINGS:
    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
    and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this
    special occasion.
    5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
    always has the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is
    impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

    TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A Hillbilly MURDER:
    1. All the DNA is the same.
    2. There are no dental records
    Karl

    I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Ayn Rand

  2. #2
    Gunco Regular Ken3030's Avatar
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    LMAO another good one!!!
    “The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference- they deserve a place of honor with all that is good.” George Washington

    "A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government."
    George Washington

  3. #3
    GuncoHolic Rahatlakhoom's Avatar
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    I liked the milk so much, I married the cow.
    Yuk! yuk!
    Charter member-Busted Box Club est. 2006

    "I will adhere to the Patriot Act, the one signed in 1776"
    - Marc Anderson

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    Administrator sniper69's Avatar
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    To funny, lol.
    "To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em."
    Ted Nugent - speaking at the NRA convention April 17, 2005

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    3/6 Infantry mtdew's Avatar
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    Hey!! I resemble that remark! (Take your pick) Seriously thou, it sounds like an average day around here!
    "NA BEAN DON CHAT GUN LAMHAINN"
    Clan MacPherson
    "CREAG DHUBH"!

  6. #6
    GuncoHolic Tommo's Avatar
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    Another great one, thanks Karl!

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