A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The
offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment
of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife
after only five beers!"
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house
for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked
up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense.when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think
about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly"
wasn't the right answer .
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor orphans. I
said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits,
had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?""It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Ayn Rand