-Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
-The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
-I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
-My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
-I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
-I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
-The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
-My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
-A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
-I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.