I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, you're still black'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks 'What is wrong??'
The boy says 'Me ma is dead.'
'Oh bejaysus the man says.
Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? '
The boy replies No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim,
I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I? ' The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the last question - which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji ...