A while back the phone rang and I answered it. Some guy asked me if the coast was clear?
“How do I know?” I answered, “I’m not a weatherman.
The other day my wife’s bridge club met at our house. I decided to come in the back door so that I wouldn’t disturb them.
I heard a lady say: “Your husband looks intelligent to me. I bet he knows lots of stuff.”
“Naw,” my wife replied, “He doesn’t suspect a thing!”
My wife won’t drink from a glass after I use it, but, she lets the dog lick her face.
Recently she told me to take out the garbage. I told I already did that. Then she told me to go out and keep an eye on it!
We were eating in a restaurant and I was really enjoying the barbecue. My wife told me to wipe off my face, I had a mess on it. I told her that the problem was I have a small mouth; it’s harder to hit a small target. I told her: “Look how lucky you are. You have a big mouth!” But, for some reason that made her mad!
She claims that I never did anything for her. I said that I did something for her that nobody else would do.
“What was that?” she asked.
“I married you!”
“Well, I sure wish we hadn’t got married!”
“Finally we agree on something!”
We were once arguing and she said: “I don’t know why I married you. My mother told me no to.”
I replied: “Boy, I’ve always had the wrong opinion about that old walrus; she was on my side all along!”
All of our troubles stem from a couple of words I said before her many years ago. Oh, the words? “I DO!”
She once told me that she didn’t have to marry me, that there were others interested in her.
I asked: “who was it? My friend Freddy?”
“No,” she replied.
“Was it my friend Raymond?”
“No.”
“Well, then was it my friend Kirby?”
“Listen to me, you idiot! Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?
She once asked me if I thought that married men live longer than single men. I told he “No, it only seems that way!”
One time she hit me over the head with a vase and I was unconscious for 3 days. It was the best 3 days of our marriage so far.
On TV the other day they said that accumulated belly fat is caused by having children.
“There’s my problem,” I said, “I have the same number of kids (6) as you do!”
My wife is so narrow minded that she can look through a key hole with both eyes!
Anyhow, I wonder if she still loves me?