[Bolt2bounce]

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Miller or Budweiser?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your sexy friends over there instead of you."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.