ATC vs Pilots

[N/A]

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from
> terminal.
> Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's
> most experienced airline going today without filing a flight
> plan?'
> -----------------------
> ATC: ' Al italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via
> Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
> Alitalia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango.
> Workers checked - all are working'
> -----------------------
> Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of
> 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
> Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the
> last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin
> for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
> -----------------------
> Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150
> circling overhead, identify yourself.'
> -----------------------
> NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three
> one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
> FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh,
> FedEx two thirty-five.'
> NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh,
> dat'll be finah...'
> Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five
> twenty.'
> NY Ctr: ' Al -italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to
> two-a-fifty, please.'
> Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Al italia?!'
> NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'
>
> --------------------------
> Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
> Pilot: Yes.
> Tower: Yes what??
> Pilot: Yes, SIR
> ---------------------------
> Frankfurt Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile
> final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on
> final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
> Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt . We're bringing this
> big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
> Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter
> traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce
> speed further to 110 knots.'
> Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back
> further to 110 knots'
> Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown,
> helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to
> 90 knots'
> Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the
> stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
> Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can
> probably tell you.'
> --------------------------
> ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
> Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and
> Instrument Rating.'
> ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
> --------------------------
> Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
> Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
> Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!
> ---------------------
> O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L
> approach, maintain 250 knots.
> USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain
> that speed?
> O'Hare Approach: Al l the way to the gate if you can.
> USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
> ----------------------
> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
>
> Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH,
> altimeter1019
> ------------------------
> Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven
> Hundred'
> Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
> --------------------------
> Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front
> of the 747.
> ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
> -------------------------
> Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake
> and heading toward the big "E".
> Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can
> identify you on radar.'
> (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake
> is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big
> "W" immediately .'
> --------------------
> Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000'
> and 40 DME.'
> Appro ach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain
> 8000'.'
> Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent
> rate.'
> Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you
> have speed brakes?'
> Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not
> yours.'
> -----------------------------
> Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were
> slightly to the left of the centerline on that
> approach.'
> American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer
> was slightly to the right'
> -----------------------
> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
> (pause)
> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center
> 135.60!' (pause)
> Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you
> never listen!'
> Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her
> by the right name you'd get a better response!'
> -----------------------
> BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
> Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested
> altitude.'
> BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500,
> I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet
> going the wrong way!'
> Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300
> approved.'
> ------------------------------------
> Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are
> you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
> Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
> Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two
> other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
>
> ---------------------------
> Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your
> heading.'
> Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
> ---------------------------------
> Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I
> am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
> ---- -------------------
> Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
> Pilot: 'More or less.'
> Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
> ----------------------------
> Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request
> start up and push back, please.' Tower: 'KLM 242
> expect start up in two hours.'
> Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
> Tower: 'Affirmative.'
> Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
>
>

[CeeKay]

- CK