"According to rumors, Ted Kennedy may have had a child out of wedlock. Well, who hasn't? But you know, something like this could damage Kennedy's image with women." --David Letterman
"Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn't denying the report, but the kid is." --Conan O'Brien
"Ted Kennedy got pretty contentious. After he pointed out that [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] once belonged to a club that didn?t allow women, it was discovered that Senator Kennedy also once belonged to a club that wouldn?t allow women. Of course, with Kennedy those were club rules in place purely for the safety of women." --Jay Leno
"The Supreme Court confirmation hearings got pretty heated yesterday. Ted Kennedy questioned Judge Alito's integrity when Alito was at Princeton. As you may know, Kennedy was kicked out of Harvard for cheating. So when it comes to questionable integrity at college he knows what he is talking about." --Jay Leno
"During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children's book with his dog, from the dog's point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] guy naming his dog Bribe?" --Jay Leno
"Ted Kennedy said even if [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] runs for president, he will still support [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] for the Democratic nomination in 2008. Ted Kennedy backing John Kerry -- you know what they say, two giant heads are better than one." --Jay Leno
"They say President Bush has [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. Boy, he'll do anything to get Ted Kennedy's support for that Supreme Court nominee." --Jay Leno
"Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld's resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it." --Conan O'Brien
"Congress is investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." --Jay Leno
"Apparently, some punk kids went nuts and tipped over Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman, on the New England Patriots' Super Bowl parade
"It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]." ?David Letterman, on Bush's [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]
"Today was [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. What a great symbol for our republic, the inauguration. Everyone had a good time. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a good mood, he had a few too many cocktails and was writing his name in the snow." --David Letterman
"Ted Kennedy said today that the Democratic party is still the majority party. That means he's been drinking again." --Jay Leno
"Did you see who's campaigning with [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] now? Ted Kennedy! Can you imagine those two giant heads coming down the street together? It's gonna look like a Macy's Day parade." ?Jay Leno
"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" ?David Letterman
"Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy." ?Craig Kilborn
"It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old." ?David Letterman
"Ted Kennedy was stopped for going on an airline because his name somehow ended up on a no-fly list. Is this really safe for people ? Ted Kennedy driving?" --Craig Kilborn
"Just about a half hour ago, the U.S. Senate finished a marathon session on judicial nominees that lasted 30 straight hours. In fact, at 5 a.m. Ted Kennedy was so tired he put his head down on several desks." ?Conan O'Brien
"Today in Washington, Governor-elect [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] had lunch with Senator Ted Kennedy. I understand Gloria Allred is now representing the waitress." ?Jay Leno
"Schwarzenegger met with President Bush to try and get some money for California and then after the meeting he took Ted Kennedy to lunch. Feeding Ted Kennedy, how much does that cost? In fact, after the bill came Arnold had to go back to President Bush to get more money." ?Jay Leno
"After the switch, the Democrats would have 51 seats, the Republicans would have 49 seats, and Senator Ted Kennedy would still need four seats." ?Craig Kilborn, on the changeover in power in the Senate
"On Wednesday, President Bush named the Justice Department headquarters after Robert F. Kennedy. Then he went around the corner and named a strip club after Ted." ?Jay Leno
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
__________________ "I Am the Mad Messenger From the Edge"
CARTOON REVENGE ON TED KENNEDY
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