Colonoscopy

[Electroglide56]

I laughed till I cried....

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.










Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make
an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all
over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis.





Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in
a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will
discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began
my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken
broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug,
then
you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with
the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must
be
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but
I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
How
do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that
, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
when you are actually naked..



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told
me
that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
first I
was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but
I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in
my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the
song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere
behind me.



'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
squeamish,
prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
moment,
ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other
room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told
me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.



On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has
gone before!'



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married..'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head
is not up there?'


Let the music begin...stay healthy.







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[DiabloII]

that was a good one and thats the same way i would feel about it as well

scared to death

[nkluksda]

I did that twice - first for a scope of my colon to diagnose just how bad my diverticulosis was, and the second time to prepare for surgery.

Dave Berry isn't that far off. After the first hour, one's rectum is extremely sore; one alternates between a very warm tub (just an inch or two - enough to give some warm wet heat to the affected area) and sitting on the pot. Explosive diarrhea is an understatement. Butt-squirts doesn't quite describe it. Suffice to say, it's not fun. It goes on for quite a while - and the worst part it, my guts cramped up trying to squeeze out stuff that wasn't there.

[sjohnson]

Hah! HE HAD A COLONOSCOPY while sedated! I DIDN'T!

NEVER, NEVER have a colonoscopy while NOT sedated. Completely out of it is even better. What a pain in my you-know-what!

The doc kept saying, "I can't turn the corner" While shoving the probe with increasing force.

TURN THIS! Doc!

[mnhunter59]

Been there, done that. Thank god they knocked me out. My lasts words were "shouldn't I be getting a dinner and a movie first?". I heard laughter, then oblivion and then the recovering room. Clean bill of health.

[Tommo]

Had my last one without sedation, very painful to say the least! Just do not understand why homos like it.

[Mike U.]

Just recently had my first one. Hopefully, it will be my last one...ever.
That journal hit the nail square on the head. It was exactly like my experience. The worst part was running across the house while praying I'd make it to the bathroom before the worst case scenario manifests. Think I would have had to cleanse the house with fire if I didn't make it in time. Who knew the human body could retain so much shit?

Three good things came from the experience though.
1.) I got a clean bill of health.
2.) I lost seven pounds.:
3.) At least there was drugs.

[Akfite]

(G) When I had one they laughed cause I showed up with under wear on
And the stuff I drank was called "GO LITELEY" Sick B@#!@tards
And yeah getting knocked out was a blessing just waking up without
under wear is not Funny

[bigbaldbob]

thats funny