A few laughs
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding Anniversary.
His wife told him
"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
Why you never question a drunk
A women was shopping at her local supermarket where she got a half gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb can of coffee and a 1lb package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the chashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, " you must be single." The women was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was also intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt ans saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, said "Well you know what you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.