The lie clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter's desk at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks there for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa 's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Washington told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Barack Obama 's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
I have a daughter. I tell her, "911 is what you dial after you're raped. 1911 is what you should have before they try."