(my boss told me this one)
So, a man was in a terrible accident, and was in a coma for a month... When he awoke, the doctor was there and greeted him kindly...
"Sir, we've got some good news and some bad news... The good news is that you're expected to make a full recovery! The bad news is, however, that you lost your penis in the accident. However, it's not as bad of news as it could be..."
"Now," says the doctor, "You've got about $9,000 in insurance claims coming to you. Luckily, we have the technology and surgeon on-hand to rebuild your penis... However, it's approximately $1,000 per inch... We'd like you to go home and consult with your wife on what to do next. Your wife may not be used to nine inches, and would prefer five... However, your wife may like the prospect of nine inches..."
The man thought about it, agreed, and went home to discuss it with his wife...
A week later, the man came back to the doctor, who asked, "So, did you and your wife come to a decision?"
The man replied, "Yes... We're getting granite countertops..."
Another dick joke...
So, a father walks into his son's room one day and exclaims,
"Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're gonna go blind!"
The son replied, "DAD, I'M OVER HERE!!!"