Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
- Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
- I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
- Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
- I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
- I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
- When they say 'nothing' is better than their product I figure they must know what they're talking about, so I always choose 'nothing'.
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
- Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
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Freedom .... is never free !