Work Poop
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as
we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
for
taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know
where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your
pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it
did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you
did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits
the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after
you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that
the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom
with
a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) a group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group
can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain
in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to
alert
potential Turf Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall
is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper
can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH< div>
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