The Real History Of The World
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadichunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during thesummer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get manto the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were thecatalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginningof agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can wereinventedyet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them tobe invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's howvillageswere formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q atnightwhile they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is knownas the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to liveoff the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doingthe sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of theLiberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved intowomen. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication ofcats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept ofDemocratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer thatconservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolizedbythe jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), butmost prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fishbutlike their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personalinjury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and grouptherapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rulebecause it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still providefor their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, policeofficers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generallyanyonewho works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want towork for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producersand decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeansare more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberalsremained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Theycrept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business oftryingto get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that aLiberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the abovebeforeforwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced ofthe absolute truth of this history that it will be forwardedimmediatelyto other true believers and to more liberals just to tic them off.
If you laugh (or smile), you're a Conservative. If you get ticked off,you're a Liberal.