If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
My present and future financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of…
and Barney Frank!
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice; I'm just doing it as a public service.