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In this skit, Ed Gruberman wants to enlist in the Canadian military.

mp3 from


Ed Gruberman: Hey, you! Is this where you join the Canadian armed forces?

Recruiter: This is the Recruitment Center. Would you like to enlist?

Ed Gruberman: Do you have guns?

Recruiter: Yes, we do.

Ed Gruberman: I'm in!

Recruiter: Well done, welcome aboard. First the paperwork. Name?

Ed Gruberman: Ed. Ed Gruberman. I can't wait to boot some head!

Recruiter: All right. Well, would you like Army, Navy, or Air Force?

Ed Gruberman: Who has the most guns?

Recruiter: Uh, Army.

Ed Gruberman: I want Army.

Recruiter: Okay! Now which course would you like?

Ed Gruberman: Courses?

Recruiter: Yes, to learn a career.

Ed Gruberman: I don't want a career, I want a gun. I want a biiiig gun!

Recruiter: Everyone wants a free education. It's our incentive to enlist. Now, pick three from this pamphlet.

Ed Gruberman: "Introduction to International Politics"? "Computers 101"? "Antique Restoration"?

Recruiter: Yes, that qualifies you to work on our helicopters.

Ed Gruberman: Look! Don't you have any courses with guns?

Recruiter: Well, yes. Last page.

Ed Gruberman: "Intro to Ammo"? "Advanced Wounding"? "Creative Bazookas"?! Ooh, ooh! I'll take all these!

Recruiter: Fine. Uh, any mental diseases or physical deformities?

Ed Gruberman: Okay, I'll take paranoia, three nipples, and uh--

Recruiter: No no no no. I mean--

Ed Gruberman: What? Oh.

Recruiter: Nev-never mind. Would you like in on the pension plan?

Ed Gruberman: No.

Recruiter: Christmas club?

Ed Gruberman: No!

Recruiter: King or Queen size?

Ed Gruberman: Look, I want a gun! I want to kill people!

Recruiter: What, who?

Ed Gruberman: Uh, Afghanis.

Recruiter: We're not at war with them.

Ed Gruberman: We will be after I start killin' em!

Recruiter: No, we don't kill people.

Ed Gruberman: Not even Al Qaeda?

Recruiter: Oh, no no no. They're dangerous. We don't want to get them angry.

Ed Gruberman: What a wimp!

Recruiter: I'm not a wimp! I'm EXTREMELY tough. I do advanced Pilates.

Ed Gruberman: You're a wimp! Have you shot anyone lately?

Recruiter: Well, the Canadian Army isn't about shooting people. It's about career training and being all you can be on a limited budget.

Ed Gruberman: I want to bathe in a geyser of enemy blood!

Recruiter: That hardly sounds sanitary.

Ed Gruberman: SCREW sanitary! I want to blow things up like in "Shaving Ryan's Privates"!

Recruiter: No no, no. The-the movie was "Saving Private Ryan".

Ed Gruberman: What movie?

Recruiter: Look-- I--

Ed Gruberman: What?

Recruiter: What? I--

Ed Gruberman: Look, let me explode a few buildings!

Recruiter: No!

Ed Gruberman: One stab wound!

Recruiter: No, our insurance rate will go up.

Ed Gruberman: What are you, a bunch of girls?!

Recruiter: NO! Well, ek-except for the girls.

Ed Gruberman: There's GIRLS in the army?!

Recruiter: And they're just as tough as the men.

Ed Gruberman: So they don't shoot anyone either, huh?

Recruiter: Well, that's not what we do!

Ed Gruberman: Wimp! What DO you do?

Recruiter: Peacekeeping.

Ed Gruberman: Wimp.

Recruiter: Border patrol.

Ed Gruberman: Wimp.

Recruiter: Parades.

Ed Gruberman: Wimp!

Recruiter: Typing.

Ed Gruberman: Wimp!

Recruiter: Filing.

Ed Gruberman: WIMP!

Recruiter: That does it! Get out of here before I do something!

Ed Gruberman: Oh, I'm real scared! What are you gonna do, file me out?

Recruiter: Uh, wait-wait a minute. Just what are you doing here anyway?

Ed Gruberman: I told you! I want a gun, I want a lot of guns, I want to start killing anyone I disagree with!

Recruiter: Oh-ho. Oh, you want the AMERICAN army.

Ed Gruberman: Oh, okay, thank you. Bye-bye!
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