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DADDY WARBUCKS
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A Contract from your Blue State Overlords...You Red State Rubes have no choice but to sign!
Orthodox and Heterodox

We, the bold, free-spirited peoples of the Diverse Lands of Blue America, hereby contract with you, the safe, ordinary drabs of the Nearly-contiguous Lands of Red America to exist peaceably and amicably in the manner to which we've become accustomed.

We will continue to exist in heavily-impacted urban centers in areas where our explosive growth and profligate lifestyle are completely unsustainable -- deserts, swamps, mountains, frozen wastelands, coasts and islands -- and so we will be needing to pull heavily from your water and other natural resources. We will need you to have power plants, waste recycling plants and refineries in your areas, since we can't stand to look at the ugly things.

We will need to convert some of the more inhabitable areas you have into parks and bedroom communities for us, since our cities are too disgusting for any of us to consider living in them. We will come out in droves, build densely and go elsewhere to work. We won't care about these communities or put any work into their governance. You are welcome to stay if you'd like -- and if you can afford the housing costs once we're there -- but please don't alter the opinion landscape that we'd like to exist in. In other words, please either be like us or aspire to be like us ... or shut up.

We need a tremendous amount of ever-changing, ever-improving goods and services. We will need you to provide manpower for industries and meet these needs. As such, we will need you to raise respectful, honest, hard-working children. We don't care how you do it, but please don't tell us how. If it has anything to do the preservation of the "traditional family unit" or instilling "moral values" we really, REALLY don't want to know.

We will raise our children to be untethered, free spirits with no boundaries like ourselves. In other words, spoiled, bored, self-centered, angry, dispirited, whiny and uncontrollable thugs, sociopaths and cowards. We will want to shape their beautiful little minds into carbon copies of our own, in order to ensure future creativity (and socio-political continuity), but you can help us raise them if you want, as long as you don't impose any limitations on them. Heck, you can even have them in daycare and private schools. Goodness knows we can't stand the little monsters. Ha ha. We're kidding. Okay, we're not.

We love our pets. We own our children (and invoke their name to our own political ends). Don't ask why. Because of our precious children, and because it is unconscionable to us to ever frown upon any activity of our populace -- criminal or otherwise -- we will need you to have prisons and drug rehab centers to house our miscreants. Also, it pleases us to maintain a constant supply of non-incentivizing social programs, so remember to pay your taxes promptly and vote in every new bond.

Though we hold the brave and unique opinion that wars are a bad idea, we will occasionally sanction aggressive action. We will need you and your children to defend us, since we're not very good at the whole macho thing. Be assured that we support the troops, though we're not really sure what that means. We think that it means that we will denigrate their efforts constantly by putting on chic protest events with cutting jibes and clever costumery and a LOT of drugs and alcohol. If so, we support the troops. If it has anything to do with not encouraging the enemy with treasonous talk and the leaking of sensitive information, we don't support the troops. (Sorry. That would just be asking too much.)

We must be clear: you are racist, sexist, xenophobic and narrow-minded. We know there have been attempts on your side to dialogue about our stereotypes of you that haven't changed since the 50's, but remember -- we are the definers; you are the defined. We will let you know if things ever change, but there are some sizable voting blocs at risk here, so don't hold your breath.

On the subject of homosexuality, we must be very firm: you absolutely must not maintain the standards of behavior which your religion dictates and which have been the norm throughout human history. We believe that sexuality is a complex and complicated aspect to our humanity, and so we know that we're right and you're wrong. Anybody ought to be able to do anything to anybody else as much and as often as they please. (Also, there is the question of another voting bloc here, and so we will be referring to anything less than total approval as ignorant homophobia. Don't sweat it.)

Since we are too intelligent and enlightened to tolerate mere Christianity or any other traditional religion, we will offer instead our own religious beliefs, which are that good and evil are almost interchangeable, stuff is good and basically there isn't anything to believe in. And you can believe us on this. In fact, we insist that you do. Your religion leads to peace of mind, human dignity and theosis; ours promotes spiritual decay. You see the problem.

We are your story-tellers, and we will present constant meretricious offerings concerning nihilism, the insanity of living and the horror of dying. And just to let you know that we're in touch with your boring little lives, we will occasionally tell you your own story through movies about people that can't wait to leave their backwater towns and girls that have babies in Wal-Mart. Please attend these movies in herds so we can turn around and do ones about the salvific qualities of lawlessness, sexual promiscuity and abortion.

Speaking of Wal-mart -- STOP GOING THERE. We are really, really serious. We would never set foot there ourselves, but it bugs the crap out of us that they exist, seeing as how they run out of business your quaint little shops that we also were never going to.

And STOP driving SUV's. We hate those things too. Don't you realize that your conspicuous consumption will overshadow ours if you drive those boats? Plus, they're big, which just means we have to find something even bigger to drive. We don't have to be the only ones with strong emotions. We encourage you to despise rich people, who are greedy and mean. But please target rich businesspeople only -- not celebrities or moguls or rock stars or sports figures or recording executives, or anyone who might vote Democrat. They're not despicable -- they're your paisanos, man.

Question authority, but not ours. Hate the man, but we're not him.

You won the last presidential election by a large margin. That means we're going to have to ask you to unconditionally surrender. Put down the mandate and back away slowly and no one will get hurt. You really blew it, but we've got more "education" for you on the way -- Michael Moore has kindly agreed to do another Fahrenheit movie. Viewing is NOT optional.

If you don't vote for a Democrat in 2008, we will break your stubby, coal-blackened little fingers. Ha ha. Kidding again. Well, sort of.

Sign here. Or, if you went to public school, make an 'X'. *****
 

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Friend of MCMXI
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8,717 Posts
Hang in there Cephus, I believe things are slowly starting to change in the state but not this area yet. Wooten & Mezzatesta were both lifelong Dems of the WV House from down south. Wooten got knocked out last time & Mezzatesta this time. Both by GOP. They where 2 of the big wheels standing in the way of my nephew wrestling.
 
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