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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Since others have related their worst fecal follies over at AK.net, I thought that I would share my worst shit story . . .

My wife and I met in college in 1990 on the first day of classes. I decided to "take her home to Mom" right before the summer break. Because we were poor students, bereft of cash, my Mom gave us a gift certificate to Captain George's (an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet in Williamsburg) so we could have a nice date night.


While perusing the buffet line, I noticed that they were serving Mako shark fillets, an old favorite of mine. So, I loaded up a plate and returned to my table. I noticed that the texture on the first fillet was a little "off" and the flavor was a little weird, but I ignored it until I got to the last fillet . . . this one was obviously beginning to decay. So, I set it aside and continued eating everything else. We had a great night . . . little did I recognized the horror that lay ahead.

After a couple of hours of stuffing our gullets, we decided to leave. When I got into my car, I could feel a slight twinge in my gut, but I (to my later chagrin) ignored it.

Before I relate any more of this story, let me give you, dear reader, a little background on my family and the circumstances of the evening. For one, I come from a very conservative religious and social background. My wife and I "waited for marriage to have sex" kind of background . . . my wife comes from the same background. So, we were pretty much heading straight home, her to the guest bedroom, me to mine. Also, my family lives near Richmond, so the trip home is back through the wasteland that seperates Williamsburg from Bottom's Bridge. Also, in great early 90's style, I was wearing white Docker pants and a white striped shirt with a t-shirt, underwear, and white socks tucked into a pair of very sharp Docker deck shoes complimented by my matching Galanti IWB holster for my FireStar. I was the very image of late 80's style. Trust me, this info will be important later.

So, we're driving down the road talking about our evening when suddenly a sharp spiking pain shot through my abdomen. At first I thought that perhap my wife-to-be had decided to off me and have rammed a shiv through the back of the seat into my spine. That not being the case, I soon realized that I was in the midst of the greatest shit crisis of my 20 year old life.

The pain was tremendous, the urge nearly unstoppable. The pain was so huge that I could not even speak. I realized that I had two options - 1. Shit my pants or 2. Find a restroom QUICKLY. So, me being the hormonal 20 year old that I was, I slapped the pedal on the ol' 1988 GT Mustang down to the floor and proceeded to high speed boogie down rt.60 looking for a restroom. My date soon realized through the incoherent screaming and thrashing that something was seriously wrong, but she was unable to extract the correct signal from the noise, so she was cowering in the corner expecting me to start foaming like a rabid dog at any moment. Finally (at about 110MPH) I saw salvation . . .

. . . A GAS STATION!!!!

I almost lost the sphincter war when the wave of relief flooded through me. So, slamming my ringmeat back into its normal closed position, I entered the gravel parking lot of the convienence store sideways with the brakes locked. I figure the attendant thought they were about to get knocked over by the local ******* mafia. I jumped out, ran over to the external restroom and pulled . . . AND THE FUCKER WAS LOCKED. Crying small tears of self-pity I waddled as quickly as possible into the store, cut to the front of the line and basically gave the clerk the old
give-me-the-frickin-key-right-now-or-i'll-shit-in-your-floor-routine. He threw the key at me . . . probably to avoid disease, because by now I was doing a considerable amount of raging and foaming.

I blindly threw the door open, dropped my trousers and undies and proceeded to deliver unto the Earth the foulest abomination that has ever swam the porcelain seas. I had shit in the BACK OF MY HAIR it was so bad. You know, the good 'ol fashioned grab your ankles until the convulsions cease type shit. Weeping tears of joy I looked up and noticed a small issue . . . there was not a scrap of toilet paper to be found anywhere. What's a red blooded all American man to do without TP in the crapper? I figured that I had owned my t-shirt for long enough (plus it had bits of crap on it from the explosion) so I used it for the cleanup process. After I finished, I deposited said shirt in the sink to remind the bastards to put paper in the shitter.

Of course, as soon as I stood up the pains hit me again and down I went . . . this time the socks were sacrificed. This went on for entirely too much time with a perceptible lack of enthusiasm and/or enjoyment on my part. When I finally finished, my tshirt, socks, underwear, and button up shirt were steaming in the sink and I was left with a pair of shit-streaked white Dockers, my Galanti IWB, and my shoes. I didn't bother returning the key . . . it was left on top of the pile in the sink (it's the little things that count).

When I returned to the car (25 minutes after I left), I dropped into the drivers seat in exhaustion. My girlfriend looked at me, mouth agape, and stated "OH MY GOD, YOU'VE BEEN RAPED BY A GAY MAN!" I then pointed out the fact that she would have heard the report from my 9mm FireStar if that was the case. As I explained the situation she started laughing, and was still laughing when we pulled into my driveway at home 45min later.

At first my Mom was a little taken aback to se her son arrive mostly naked with the woman that she had just met that morning. After I finally explained it to her, my mom laughed so hard that I thought she would swallow her tongue. It took an hour of soaking in the tub to get the smell out of me . . . the pants went into the trash. I still get a giggle out of her and my wife to this day when I mention it.

God help that gas station attendant.

Disconnector
 

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Man, I think I ruptured something laughing at your post!

That is literally the funniest thread I have ever read! I am giving you karma points for that one!

That's so good the moderators should make it a...er...sticky (NO PUN INTENDED!)

:lol:
 

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ZOID ZODIAN said:
Man, I think I ruptured something laughing at your post!

That is literally the funniest thread I have ever read! I am giving you karma points for that one!

That's so good the moderators should make it a...er...sticky (NO PUN INTENDED!)

:lol:
I had to give karma points too!!! I was about out of my chair at my in laws holding my gut - they are still wondering what I was laughing at(with tears, I was laughing so hard). Sometimes the funniest stories are the true ones. It is never funny at the time - but I'm sure you get a chuckle out of it now :rofl:
 
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Disconnecter,

That's a great story. :rofl:

Anybody, who has ever had food poisoning can definitely relate.

I had it once. not only did I have a similar experience with the bowl (although thankfully, I had TP at my disposal) I also had projectile vomiting at the same time.

You haven't lived until you've had it spewing from both ends at the same time.
 

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sitting on the pot with a bowl in your lap... now there's a good time...
:barf:
I think that's been going around at work, and I thank God I haven't been stricken with it..... YET!!!:scared:
 
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